In these days of political correctness, I have been thinking lately about those questions I am asked which have no correct answer.

They are questions most often asked by your significant other, which in my case is my wife. You might refer to this person as your husband, wife, spouse, life partner, best friend and so on.

Whichever label you give this person who shares your life, you might have been asked some of the following questions and found yourself facing the dilemma of coming up with the most acceptable response.

Trust me, if you’re a man, there isn’t one.

How about, “Do I look fat in this?”

If you reply, “Compared to what?” you’re a dead man. A couple of other unacceptable answers might be: “A little extra weight looks terrific on you,” and “I’ve seen fatter.”

Your best bet is a quick, unequivocal, “No!” Do not babble on, trying to come up with some suitable adjectives that aptly describe how she looks in the outfit in question. As the lie multiples, you will bury yourself with hyperbole.

However, do not mistakenly believe “No!” is a use-in-any-situation answer. The query, “Do I look good in this?” requires a little thought before answering. Even if she/he is dressed like a malevolent clown in an orange fright wig, “No!” is not the answer she/he is looking for.

How would you answer the question, “Is my hair too grey?” … If you come up with an acceptable answer that worked for you, please let me know. E-mail me at lballantyne@simcoe.com. No, really!

Here’s one I have been struggling with for a few years – “If I die, will you remarry?” I tried, “Never! I couldn’t find someone who would give the same meaning to my life as you.”

As we age, the question becomes more significant because, let’s face facts, one of us is going to pass on first, unless we both (heaven forbid) perish at the same time in a plane crash on the way to the Mayan Riviera.

So I have concluded that the best answer to, “If I die, will you remarry?” is to throw it back with two words: “Would you?”

Of course, women have been trained to respond to that ploy with: “No, of course not.” They respond to a trick question with a trick answer.

The most frequent question posed by your spouse is likely, “Do you love me?”

Never, even in jest, answer, “That depends on your definition of love.” There is, naturally, only one answer: “Most of the time.” She/he may appreciate your honesty.

And then there’s that occasion as you walk through the mall and your eyes wander to focus on a gorgeous model-like goddess and you immediately hear, “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

If you answer, “Yes, but only in the sense that she’s much younger and thinner,” you can calculate your remaining life span in minutes.

A couple of other questions that have no answer at all, and are not connected to relationships, keep me awake at night.

They include:

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If pizzas are round, why are they packaged in square boxes?

If recycled newsprint is made from used newsprint, what is recycled toilet paper made from?

When you buy a shirt or pair of pants and they come with an extra button, how do you track down that button when the day comes that you need it? And how to you find Inspector #4 whose note also comes with your new apparel?

Why is it that when your friends give you directions to their cottage in Muskoka, you can never find the cottage on the first try?

If a time machine is invented some day, what will happen if you use the machine to go back in time and destroy the plans for the machine?

If two of the 10 Commandments are “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy,” why are divorce rates at a record high and why are all the stores open on Sunday?

And finally, the most puzzling question we all face: “What is the meaning of life?” I really would like to know the answer to that one.