The following is the second installment in a two-part investigative series focusing on U.S. travel because writing about my recent trip to Myrtle Beach may have positive tax implications.
Today we explore the subtle but important differences between Americans and Canadians, such as the reason Americans will sell you stun guns and watermelons in the same store, possibly as a two-for-one special.
Canadians stymied by this fascination with weapons and oversized fruit must understand that the right to bear arms is fiercely engrained in the American psyche, and nobody, not even the secret world government that is planning to enslave everyone, is going to mess with the second amendment.
Also, watermelons are delicious.
Other unlikely combinations often found under the same roof include boiled peanuts, saltwater taffy, and fighting knives, which can be a shocking revelation for anyone who has never seen saltwater taffy and peanuts together.
The majority of these multi-purpose stores tend to appear in southern states, where generations of retailers have shown that selling samurai swords and peanut brittle in one convenient location is just sound business practice.
Thankfully, state restrictions require that purchasers handle dangerous products (such as peanut brittle) in a safe and responsible manner to avoid potential lawsuits that may result from their misuse.
(Always wear goggles while eating candied nuts.)
Fireworks stores figure prominently in states that still allow their citizens to celebrate freedom by risking their eyesight and appendages.
Popular items among pyromaniacs these days include skyrockets, firecrackers and, as I recently witnessed with my own still- functioning eyes, the Exploding Osama Bin Laden Noggin, which lacks something of the charm of an old-fashioned burning schoolhouse.
A sign outside a shop in Pennsylvania promised not only fireworks but also swords, stun guns and Jelly Belly-brand jellybeans, the famously tasty confection that has never, so far as I have been able to determine, been used in an armed robbery.
You cannot miss these shops because their owners have installed billboards every 10 to 12 feet in an attempt to lure tourists into buildings resembling giant fruit, jungle animals and enchiladas.
Once inside shoppers can choose from a full range of unique gift items fit for the whole family, especially if yours is the type of family that enjoys sampling local delicacies, such as pecan pie or pepper spray.
The billboards are cleverly painted in luminescent and possibly nuclear-powered shades of orange, yellow and red which are visible from several states away.
For example, while crossing the border into Buffalo, it is highly likely the first billboard you see will read “Best Waffles in Arkansas” or “Welcome to Florida.”
This can prove distressing to confused motorists who expect to spy orange groves and smell the bracing scent of saltwater but instead find themselves staring disappointedly at Lake Erie.
This will also cause children in the backseat to begin nagging their parents with such questions as, “Mom, where are all the palm trees?” to which the parent will swivel around and tell their young one to keep quiet and play with their duty-free crossbow.
