The funniest things - sometimes anyway - turn up in my inbox down here at The Word Factory.
For example, the other day a member of the Dunlop clan - I won't say which one, in case they're shy - sent me an e-mail about the trials and tribulations of city slickers versus rural folk.
Basically it was a list, dubbed The Rules of Rural Ontario.
Who authored the list I don't know.
And I can't say I agree with it all.
But nonetheless, I appreciated the sentiment of these so-called rules.
And besides, they're funny.
So, in an effort to brighten your day, I'm sharing the list with you.
I hope it makes you smile.
Guffawing is okay too.
I like guffawing.
Do it as often as possible so I do - helps keep the tummy trim. Or so I tell myself.
At any rate, here's the list, The Rules of Rural Ontario, for the benefit of folks from the city. Or, as some call 'em, cidiots. I should note some of the rules are more statements than anything - but I digress.
1) Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2) It's a dirt road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
3) They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny. But to farmers, they smell like money. So don't complain.
4) Your expensive car will impress no one. Combines and tractors are worth way more.
5) Every person in rural Ontario waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6) The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday of sorts, held the closest Saturday to the first of November. Deal with it.
7) Men open doors for women. It's a courtesy. It applies to all women, regardless of age.
8) OHL and minor hockey are as important here as the Leafs and Habs and more fun to watch.
9) Turn down your car stereo - the thumpity, thumpity isn't music anyway.
And my personal favourite - number 10 - is two inches of snow does not constitute a blizzard. Drive sensibly and you'll be okay.
Of course, there are several other rules, or at the very least, guidelines, that one could add but enough for today.
Instead of rules, I'm going to share with you another e-mail funny that I got from an old friend who knows my appreciation for life in a small town.
This gem is titled, You know you live in a small town when...
1) It has an aquarium - stocked with live minnows.
2) The town newspaper is published monthly.
3) The town was founded on April Fool's Day as a practical joke.
4) The ice cream store has only two flavours, chocolate and vanilla.
5) There's no hospital, only a first aid kit.
6) For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down Main Street.
7) There's no bank - as soon as someone gets enough money they leave.
8) The only traffic jam is caused when a farmer drives down Main Street with his combine.
9) The local phone book has one yellow page.
10) Hardware, dry goods, grocery, clothing and farm supplies are sold at the same store.
11) Third Street is on the edge of town.
12) You don't signal when driving because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
13) No social events are scheduled when the gym floor at the school is being varnished.
14) You call the wrong number but chat with the person anyway.
15) Everyone knows all the news before it's published.
16) People read the newspaper to see whether the publisher got the facts right - or at least the community's preferred version of the facts. (Now that's funny.)
17) The 7-11 convenience store is only open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
18) The New Year's Baby was born in October.
19) At the last beauty contest, nobody won second or third.
20) If your car goes off the road outside of town word gets back to town before you do.
Ah small towns, you gotta love 'em.
On that note, I think I'll run along and see what my good friend Mr. Drucker is up to.
Wait a minute - he runs The General Store in Hooterville on Green Acres.
Sheesh - got my small towns mixed up!
Guess I'll go see my good friend Big Rod, down at the haberdashery, instead.
Michael Gennings is community editor for The Stayner Sun. Feedback is welcome at mgennings@simcoe.com.
